Diet Coke. Bleh. BLEH. The aftertaste, it’s awful. If I go to a restaurant that has no other diet sodas, I’ll usually get half Diet Coke, half Dr. Pepper so as to drink something with less calories that will not set off my gag reflex. It does depress me that usually Diet Coke is the only thing offered at restaurants, because I think more people would give diet a chance if they’d try diet beverages that don’t offend the taste buds. However, I do know people who are used to the aftertaste, and no joke, actually crave Diet Coke. I’m sure this has some sort of relation to that syndrome that kidnapping victims get when they start to love their captors, but I haven’t really done any research to prove it just yet.

Diet Pepsi. Bleh, but not as bad as Diet Coke. Same deal as above, mostly.

Diet Dr. Pepper. Oh how I love thee. It actually truly does taste a lot like regular Dr. Pepper. And it doesn’t go flat quickly.

Pibb Zero. Notice that they’ve gotten rid of the formalities and ditched the Mr. At any rate, good tasting, but it goes flat quickly.

Coke Zero. Goes flat quickly, but tastes pretty good at first. I’d say it tastes pretty similar to regular Coke, just not as syrupy sweet.

Cherry Coke Zero. Used to love it, but we bought it like 1,000 times in a row and now the gag reflex starts up with the taste of fake cherry flavoring.

Diet Cherry Coke. Way better than regular Diet Coke, but we did the same thing with this as with Cherry Coke Zero, so gag reflex and all.

Diet Sprite. Good stuff. Goes flat quickly, but I do like adding it to grape juice to make it fizzy (and to drink less sugar with juice).

Diet Mountain Dew. Tastes very much like regular Mountain Dew, if you’re a fan. For some reason, a lot of people like to hate on the Dew, which I don’t get, unless maybe it has a redneck sort of feel to it or something. Plus, it’s a sickly green color. But I like it just fine.

Diet Root Beer, any brand. BLEH. Not worth buying. If you crave root beer, just buy IBC, not diet. It’s the bomb diggity.

So I’ll be making breakfast tomorrow as a sort of thank-you. And it’s going to be the best cereal ever.

You may now go about your business.

On Saturday I turned 25. That’s right; I am now in my mid-twenties. That’s such a weird thing to me. I mean, I’m no longer in my early twenties. And I’m inching toward 30. Thirty is the age where you like, have kids and buy houses.

You like my birthday cake? My sweet husband refuses to take credit for it. So we agreed that this could be my “joke” birthday cake. It actually tasted pretty good.

Smashed Burgers and Clogged Arteries    

What’ll ya have? I stood transfixed, struggling to pick out a menu item as the lady behind the cash register’s patience seemed to be spent. So this was the Varsity (or The Varsity Jr. anyway). Already I had growing doubts about the restaurant, but I tried to silence them by telling myself to give the place a chance. A burger. I could order a burger. I piped up, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and…” She pressed a button and looked back up at me. “Um, some fries and a coke.” She rang it up and told me the total. Hmm, a bit pricey. I stepped aside and waited for my food. When the items were all piled on the red tray, I surveyed the victuals. It didn’t look good. It looked greasy. It didn’t look all that fresh. And I could tell my arteries were soon going to be crying out in agony. But I was determined.

When I first encountered The Varsity, I had recently moved to Atlanta from sunny California. A friend, upon learning that we were moving to Atlanta, immediately recommended The Varsity. “It’s just like In-N-Out,” he said. To anyone unfamiliar with West Coast fast food dining, In-N-Out is well-known for its fresh ingredients––high quality beef, fresh toppings, and never-frozen french fries. The prices are very reasonable for such quality, and the employees are very willing to cook your burger just the way you want it. Do you want it cooked with mustard? No problem. Want an obscene amount of pickles? Done. Do you want grilled onions and raw onions? Why not? It was a delight to eat at In-N-Out.

Since my friend compared The Varsity to In-N-Out, I will do the same, as my expectations were such. I knew no history of the restaurant. I didn’t know if it was known for its sports patronage, or its rich history in the city. I didn’t know if it was valued for its novelty or its food. All I knew was that I missed California and In-N-Out, and this place should at least provide a bit of comfort.

Not so much. Let’s go back to the appearance of my food. The burger was small, and on top of that, the bun appeared flattened, as a burger that has been mercilessly stomped. The french fries appeared burned, but not crispy. They were brown and veiny, resulting from sitting in old oil and being cooked too much. The fries were flaccid, coated in seasoning salt. But, on the bright side, my soda was acceptable. It’s hard to mess that up.

The taste of the food pretty much resembled the appearance. I ended up eating half of my meal, after dousing the fries in ketchup and, driven by hunger, eating half of the burger. How could such greasy food taste so dry? It was impressive that they could manage that. After throwing away the remaining food, it hit me. Perhaps I had ordered the wrong thing! All restaurants are known for something that they cook especially well, and perhaps burgers weren’t The Varsity’s high point. Plus, I’d eaten at The Varsity Jr. Perhaps the original Varsity was better. So I vowed to give the “real” Varsity a chance.

The Varsity was much larger than The Varsity Jr. Makes sense. My husband and I walked in and stood in line. The sounds of the kitchen resonated. Every minute or so, “WHAT’LL YA HAVE?” was barked at a customer. Okay, what to order? A hot dog! Yes, maybe that’s what everyone likes so much. I ordered a hot dog, and for good measure, I also ordered hot wings. Both sounded good at the time. But once again, upon receiving the full tray, I surveyed it with disappointment. The hot dog wiener was shriveled. The bun enveloped it like an adult-sized life jacket on a toddler. The wings were strikingly small. I suspected the chicken that supplied the wings had not had the pleasure of reaching adolescence. However, the buffalo sauce was fairly palatable.    

Now I will share with you a shocking revelation: my husband likes The Varsity. He thinks the food is acceptable for consumption. I don’t know what they slipped into his food to give him that impression, but I wish they’d given it to me as well. 

My last trip to The Varsity occurred when some friends came to visit from California (no, not the ones that recommended The Varsity—if you can call a person that would do that a “friend”). When my husband mentioned The Varsity, I could scarcely hide an evil cackle. Yes, let’s take them there. They can see what good food they have. This would prove that my husband and his confused taste buds were wrong, terribly wrong. So we went for lunch. And I was thrilled that The Varsity didn’t disappoint this time, simply by doing what they’ve always done. My husband’s burger was smashed. My hot dog was as shriveled as ever. And our friend’s onion rings were smothered in grease, with extra slimy strings of onion lurking inside the shell of batter. Unfortunately, our most picky friend ordered the chicken fingers and actually enjoyed them. I suspect they were Tyson chicken fingers, bought frozen and cooked up in a way that wasn’t disgusting. Imagine! Afterward both friends said that they mostly agreed with me about the quality of the restaurant, which was nice because it was a victory, but was mostly overshadowed by the fact that I had to eat there.

So if you dare try The Varsity, or worse, recommend The Varsity, please remember that that sort of torture upon humanity is highly frowned upon—much like smashed burgers and clogged arteries.

So far my solution has been getting a bag of salad and rotisserie chicken from the Deli at our local Kroger. But we can’t live off that forever.

So does anyone have ideas for quick, no I mean QUICK (I’m talking instant), meals that are reasonably priced?