You’ll Understand When You Have Kids
April 9, 2007 on 10:29 am | In rant |I hear this fairly often when I’m around people from my church, because as I mentioned in a post a few months ago, there is a baby-making epidemic going on (every woman has a baby on their hip or a bump on their belly). Which is great, I’m not against children and I think procreating is wonderful and children are a blessing and soforth.
Often when people say “you’ll understand when you have kids,” it just seems patronizing:
“You enjoy sleeping in while you can. When you have kids, you’ll be up at 7 am every day.”
“Just wait til you have kids - you won’t be going to restaurants for a long time!”
“When you have kids, everything will suck but it will be so worth it.”
Okay, that last one wasn’t real. But you get the point.
Here’s a pet peeve of mine, though. The way that some parents act like you know NOTHING of empathy, love, and sacrifice until you have children. I’m sure that having a baby changes so much of who you are - your life completely changes forever, you love that child more than you ever imagined possible, you would do anything for that child, etc. And I’m sure it’s true. But don’t invalidate the experiences of those who don’t have children.
Here’s an example. We were with a group, and we were talking about this particularly heartbreaking incident where a father was in a serious accident and his children witnessed it. One person said, “You guys who don’t have children have no idea how painful it would be to know your children had to go through that, that they had to experience that sort of trauma, to not be able to protect them from that.”
That was like a punch in the gut for me. We know loss. And I wondered if the person who said that ever considered the possibility that we had experienced something similar from the other side of the situation.
Yeah, I’m sure we’ll learn so much when we do have kids. I’m sure I’ll be calling my mom and apologizing for everything I ever said to her from ages 12 to 18. I’m sure we’ll be blown away by the whole parenting experience. But our experiences, our times of joy and sadness, our understanding of sacrifice and unchanging love - that’s all still very valid.
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I hate when people do that. Glorify themselves that they must experience life to such a greater degree than those childless people must not understand. Grr. Besides, do we not love our husbands as much as we will one day love our children? (And if you say “No” I will smack you upside the head. Are parents ONE with their children? Nope. Are we ONE with our husbands? If we’re living biblically. Therefore, I rest my case)
Comment by Replacement Receptionist — April 9, 2007 #
as a mom, you know i have to try to defend some of us parents:) obviously, everyone’s different.
i remember how i felt the 22 years before i got pregnant. i know what you guys are talking about. even while pregnant, i was depressed because it wasn’t going to be “me & derek” anymore. i knew i would love her, but not like i love derek.
all the cliches ARE true. and it does get old when people repeat them over & over. but, when it’s your job to protect someone & keep them safe, teach them, love them, watch them grow…it is a different love & feeling. i do love katie more than anything. she’s part me/part derek, and it’s still hard to believe we made something so wonderful.
and it’s not that we don’t think you don’t understand. and we’re not above you or better than you. remember that we’ve been in your shoes. it’s just that when you are a parent, you have this whole different set of feelings that aren’t there until you experience parenthood.
Comment by Bit — April 10, 2007 #
I agree with Brit. AND its not that your feelings are invalid… the feelings are just different…uh, you’ll understand when you are a parent.
BTW, the “When you have kids, everything will suck but it will be so worth it.” quote…that’s true too…sometimes.
AND Replacement Receptionist: if we are living biblically???? It doesn’t say, “for God so loved the world that He sent His one and only WIFE” now does it.
Comment by Tom — April 11, 2007 #
Yes, but what if I don’t have children? I mean, I’d like to someday, but I’d hate to think that my life and understanding will forever remain incomplete if I choose not to have a child.
As for the biblical living and loving the husand or child thing, I’m staying out of that one. But I will say that my love for my husband is unlike any other. It grows with time. And if having a child is like that but moreso, then I’m sure it is amazing.
Still though. Next time someone says ”you’ll understand when you have a kid” to me, I’m going to be all like “woo, can’t wait ’til Saturday when I’ll sleep in and go to a restaurant without a screaming child. Did you know that I haven’t wiped feces off anyone’s butt ever? Good stuff!”
P.S. Tom, you agree with Bit, not Brit. You know, like “lil bit.”
Comment by Wendy W — April 11, 2007 #
and “lil bit” like “little bit” and “little bit” like “a little bit”…I see.
“I’d hate to think that my life and understanding will forever remain incomplete…” well, there are several things that you wont or will not be able to experience in your life that, if experienced, could bring an element of fullness to your life…but that doesn’t invalidate your experiences.
I think its a lot like eating at a really great restaurant…you cant understand someone’s excitement about it until you’ve eaten there yourself…but that doesn’t mean your past meaningful dining experiences are invalid.
Comment by Tom — April 11, 2007 #
like i said, everyone’s different. there’s a lot of things i’ll never get to experience. and feelings i’ll never get to feel. wendy, i’m sure there’s someone who’s jealous of you because you have a loving husband. some people never find that “perfect” person. they may have kids, but still long for their soul mate or whatever. or people who live with illness and will never be healthy again. they know what it’s like to be healthy, but their illness makes them have different feelings. i could go on & on, but i’ll stop now. love ya
Comment by Bit — April 11, 2007 #
I just want to say I completely empathize with you Wendy. Just about every church thing I attend, I feel like my comments aren’t taken seriously because I am not a parent. Everyone seems to know exactly what it’s like to be me, but when I try to identify with others, I “couldn’t possibly understand”. I know they don’t mean any harm, but I feel so isolated.
Comment by Jessica — April 11, 2007 #
Tom,
I’m just saying that women tend to get all wound up in their children’s lives and forget that they have a husband…but the Bible calls us to marry and be one flesh. It says nothing about being one with our children.
Sorry, must not have been clear enough before.
Comment by Replacement Receptionist — April 11, 2007 #
I totally agree with you, Wendy. All or some of the parenting comments may be true, but some of the best advice I recieved when I lost my cat (from someone who has two children with terminal illness) was that grief is grief. It feels the same whether you’ve lost a cat or lost a loved one. No, I don’t believe losing a cat is the same as losing a loved one, but I think the emotion can “feel” like it at times…and I think that’s ok. So…I respect the feelings and lifestyles of childless couples and don’t expect sympathy or rights to complain because I chose to have one. Why do we have to compare?
Comment by Lisa — April 12, 2007 #
Replacement Receptionist: I agree that some woman get wound up about having children. I just hada problem with your use of “living biblically”…but I think I understand.
Comment by Tom — April 12, 2007 #
This is such an interesting discussion for me to see because I happen to be in quite a different place. I go to a church where I am the only one with child, and am constantly feeling misunderstood and isolated by the single, or childless people around me. They don’t understand why it’s such a hard decision for me to move into a house that’s in a bad neighborhood- even though it’s “missional.” They don’t understand why I don’t like church meetings that go past 8:00-even though everyone is having a good time and why should it matter that we haven’t talked about church stuff yet? I can say “I have a baby. It’s different” a million times but I get more deer-in-the-headlights looks that way. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings (wendy and jess) about the frustration of “well, you’ll understand when you have kids.” I feel like, for me, the same thing could be said about having two kids, or being 80. If having a child has taught me anything, I’ve certainly learned to look at other (past or future) stages of life with respect. It’s hard for me now to remember what life was like before- when I could just get in the car and drive wherever, and be on my own schedule. So I try not to get overly frustrated when a friend calls me at 10 at night wanting to know if I can meet her somewhere.
As for what the guy in your story said about loss, I feel the same way when someone who has lived a really “rugged life” tells me that I don’t know what pain is like. I most certainly do. No, I’ve never slept under a bridge or had to use a sock for a dishrag, but I know a little bit about pain and suffering. I too, have had to heal from past griefs.
OK, I’m saying a lot, but I’ll try to sum up what I mean. I am with you in that I don’t like to be told that I don’t understand what a certain emotion feels like because I’m not in this certain place in life. No, I may not know it to suchandsuch a degree, but I’ve been aquainted. I am also saying that it is true, in child rearing and old age and other life stages that we really don’t know the ins and outs of a certain specific emotion until we’ve been there. So, the statement “you’ll understand when you have kids,” has an element of truth to it, although it is clumsily and inconsiderately used at times.
Comment by Adena — April 12, 2007 #
omigosh. I’m so sorry that comment is so long
Comment by Adena — April 12, 2007 #
Woah, this is more comments than I’ve gotten in a while.
Bit -
Thanks for the encouragement. You’re right, there are some experiences that I’ve had that others may never have. That’s something to be thankful for.
Lisa -
Exactly! We shouldn’t have to compare. Although experiences may differ, grief is grief.
Jessica -
It’s nice to know someone else is going through the same thing. It can be quite isolating. “Everyone seems to know exactly what it’s like to be me…” I know! That’s one of the main things that annoy me. Even though they may know what it’s like to not have kids, they don’t know what it’s like to be you.
Adena -
I’m glad you commented on what it’s like to be on the other side, to be isolated from the non-parents because you’re a parent. I guess what it comes down to is that it’s hard being different in social settings where there’s a majority. I know, that’s totally obvious. Whether you’re the single person in a group of married people, or a non-parent in a group of parents. There’s an element of peer pressure to go to the next step in life.
Comment by Wendy W — April 12, 2007 #
Adena, Tom, Bit: You’ll understand when you don’t have kids anymore.
Comment by The Dane — April 16, 2007 #
the Dane!!?!! Is there no place sacred!?!
Comment by Tom — April 18, 2007 #
Hoooo!
Comment by The Dane — April 18, 2007 #