Brandon and I sometimes watch completely lame shows, such as America's Funniest Home Videos (people getting hurt and animals doing wacky things is more entertaining than the OC, really). So it's not surprising that we see a lot of lame commercials. The advertisers figure that lame people will be attracted by lame commercials, so they're smart really. Anyway, here are a couple of the commercials that we like to make fun of:

The Rich, Chocolate Ovaltine Commercial
So these women are walking down the street, and one happens to say "Boy, I can't wait to get home and make some rich, chocolate Ovaltine!" These geezers walking past hear them, exclaim "Ovaltine!" and begin following them home. More neighbors hear the word Ovaltine, and join the herd. At the very moment they get to their house, a young boy walks out with a tray of Ovaltine, and the smiling group exclaims in unison, "More Ovaltine, please!"

Okay, for one thing, if people started following me home for any beverage, I'd be more inclined to call the cops. Secondly, I've had Ovaltine maybe once a few years back, and as I recall, it tasted like rich chocolate dirt.

Some Vitamin that I Can't Recall the Name of:
Which is obviously a result of bad advertising. Anyway, this guy with a bad toupee and glowing white teeth raves about the vitamin (which resembles a dirt clot in the zoomed in shot), and says they're so sure you'll be satisfied with it that they'll let you try it for free. But the best part of the commercial is where they interview this old lady on the street, and she says, "They let you try it for free? It must be good!" Which is obviously the opposite of the truth. It's either so awful that they're giving it away free to get rid of their surplus, or it's like drugs, and once you try it, you're addicted.

My mom called me last night to tell me that my cat had died. We'd had Sutty for 14 years, and I'd always dreaded his inevitable demise. He was my kitty, and I loved him way too much. Who wouldn't? He was sweet, 18 pounds, and could shed twice his weight in fur.

My mom said that she'd originally taken Sutty to the vet because she thought he had hairballs. But the vet said that his kidneys had failed. It must have been very strange to take your cat to the vet for hairballs and leave with no cat. The vet said that it was very difficult to recognize Sutty's kidney failure, because the main symptom is that the cat slows down. And Sutty preferred to take about five steps at a time, and then rest. So I'm not sure that he could have slowed down much more.

Two days before his death, Sutty went outside (he was usually an inside cat) and managed to catch a large rat (despite his girth and lack of claws). He brought it inside, and placed it on the dining room table. Perhaps he was offering my mom and sister a feast. But they responded by screaming, and yelling, "take it outside!" So he dropped the rat and watched as my mom and sister struggled to catch it. I hope he found that amusing. I know it made me laugh.

I remember when my dog, Roxy, died. We'd had her since I was 8, but like I try to explain without sounding like a heartless jerk, I just didn't like her. Anyway, my mom was talking to me shortly after Roxy's death, and she mentioned that Sutty had been searching around for Roxy and that he seemed really sad. With tears in my eyes, I said, "Aw, my kitty is sad?" So it's true when I say that I was sad when Roxy died.

I'm glad that Sutty didn't suffer, and that he didn't share the fate of the majority of my cats throughout my life (my dad shooting them). He had a long life filled with tuna and naps. Which to me, is ideal.

We Made Gingerbread Men!

Hotpants Gingerbread Man
Originally uploaded by mosaiclife.

That's right. And it's way harder than I thought it would be. But it is fun to decorate them. This gingerbread man is angry because he's late for work and he accidentally wore his hotpants. Which is bad, but being eaten is probably worse.

So I've heard people refer to this Friday as "Black Friday" because it's the biggest shopping day of the year. But if we're going to assign colors to days, shouldn't it be "Green Friday" due to the high rate of monetary exchange? I mean, when I think of days that have been assigned the color black, I think of stock market crashes.

If I'm being a complete stupid-head and am missing the point of the color, feel free to enlighten me.

Brandon is back! :) He flew in last night at 9:07. Actually, he was supposed to fly in at that time, but he actually arrived around 9:30. And then his luggage was one of the last things to come out at the baggage claim. No biggie. And then traffic was horrendous on the way home. Not a problem. And then there was lots of construction going on when we got off on our exit to get home. But, he's finally back. That's what's important.

I know, four days isn't a long time. But it was the longest we've been apart since we got married. I can't imagine what military wives must go through.

We're off tomorrow and Friday. We're going to Brandon's dad's for Thanksgiving. I'm baking pies. Pumpkin ones. And they will be great, because I said so. I'm also considering baking gingerbread man cookies. Maybe I'll give them frosting frowny faces, because they aren't thankful this Thanksgiving, because their heads will be bitten off first thing. Or maybe their legs. And what a horrible way to go, but such is the fate of the gingerbread man.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Tonight I cleaned out our cars. What with the busy schedules we have, I wasn't surprised that I had several bagfulls of stuff to take in. I was however surprised to find that most of it was unopened mail. All of it was unimportant. No, really. And probably 95% of it was credit card offers.

My gosh, Visa, Mastercard and American Express. Did you not get it when we didn't respond to your first thousand offers in 2003? Did you really need to keep sending offers, complete with plastic fake credit cards that are completely useless, and do nothing but crowd landfills? Did you really need to slaughter entire forests to tell me that I am pre-approved for a silver/platinum/gold card with 0% interest until January of 2006? And will you really be surprised when I mail you a receipt so that you can reimburse me for the new shredder I'll need to buy, because I burned out the motor on my present one shredding all of the junk you send out?

Guess what, credit card companies? You've been approved to buy me a new shredder and quit sending me stuff. Offer valid indefinitely. :-P

Brandon left this morning for the SBL conference in Philadelphia. As we were driving to the airport at 5:00 am (it's really a joke that this hour is considered morning. There are still stars out! To this, Brandon commented "Well, you've heard of the 'morning star'" to which I replied, "Yes, that's an oxymoron." Speaking of oxymorons, I have a friend who didn't know what an oxymoron was until the other day. He was like "No, an oxymoron is like saying 'redneck southerners'" to which I replied, "No, an oxymoron is like saying 'sophisticated southerners.'" And I can joke about southerners because for 19 years I was one, and most of my family still resides in the south. But I still don't like it when non-southerners mock southerners, because it's sort of like beating up your sibling. It's okay for you to do it, but not anyone else, because you know you're beating them up in love. Hmm. Can I fit anything else inside these parens? Okay then, I'll get out.)

Like I was saying, as we were driving to the airport at 5:00 am we had the following conversation:

Wendy: Do you think it would be okay for me to mention on my blog that you'll be gone this weekend?
Brandon: I already blogged about it on my site.
Wendy: So any good stalker would already know, then?
Brandon: Yeah. So if you don't blog about it, any stalker that came by would just be by chance.

So I guess I'm ensuring that the only stalkers I encounter will be on purpose. Have a great weekend and call me if you want to talk about old times, and that thing we did one time and how funny it was, and how stupid we were.

Brandon and I watched The Wizard of Oz last night. It had been a really long time since I'd last seen it, and I noticed stuff that I never noticed when I watched it as a kid. First of all, Brandon and I both made fun of the painted backgrounds and cheesy sets. Plus, Dorothy is totally dramatic. I'm not sure how half of those actors got through filming without laughing at how stupid their lines were.

Here's something else I noticed. The first thing Glenda the Good Witch asks Dorothy when she meets her is, "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?" And within a minute or two, she says "Only bad witches are ugly." If Dorothy were a normal girl, she'd catch that, get offended, and probably decide that Glenda wasn't that good of a witch after all.

Also, the lion sings this "if I were king of the forest" song. Isn't he already king of the jungle? And what's he doing in the forest, anyway? Wouldn't it be more likely for a bear to be hanging out in the woods? I suppose a cowardly bear isn't as cool, though. And why isn't the scarecrow worried about not having a heart as well?

These probably aren't new questions. And in a movie like The Wizard of Oz, it probably isn't imperative that it make sense. But y'know. I still have to dissect it.

To Everyone that Forwards Stuff to Me:
I appreciate you guys. I do. And I know you do it with the best intentions. It really warms my heart that you think of me when you click that "forward" button and enter in all of your contacts. But seriously, what inspires you to forward me such large-fonted skubala? Dancing gif images, tear-jerking stories, cheesy poetry, claims that forwarding this message will prove I'm truly a friend and want to eradicate breast cancer. Below is an email I was forwarded that is supposed to describe me by my birth month. It was completely off. My comments are in parens.

"Loves children. (BWAHAHAHA. Yes, like a tumor) Loves to chat. (Eh.) Loves those who loves them. (Loves those who loves them? And speaks ebonics!) Loves to takes things at the center. (What does that mean?) Inner and physical beauty. (Why yes, if I do say so myself.) Sexy. (Um. Alright.) Gets angry often. (Okay, yeah, that's me.) Treats friends importantly. (Importantly? I'm not sure what that means either.) Always making new friends. (Got to have people to treat importantly.) Easily hurt but recovers easily. (Mmm... Moody. Yeah, that's me.) Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. (Yeah okay.) Does not care of what others think. (Not so. Grow up in a small town and you'll know why.) Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. (Yes, I can sense that the person who wrote this isn't so bright.) Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. (BWAHAHAH. Yeah, no. It's better inside.) Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influence ed. (I can always influence Ed.) Easily loses confidence. Loves children. (Did you not get it the first time? I said, "BWAHAHAH." Does that mean nothing to you?)"

So anyway, if you're thinking of forwarding something to me, try to refrain. Otherwise realize that it will be mocked, heavily. Whether I like you (and felt guilty about not forwarding the message because maybe you'll take it personally) or not.

So I found out about these upside down Christmas trees, and it seemed like such an odd idea to me. I mean, why? Why do you want the tree to be upside down? Isn't it hard enough to put up and take down already? The upside down trees I've found online look rather strange to me. They're either like the one in the picture, or they have a base on the bottom (appearing quite similar to a reversed umbrella). It looks like someone tried to pull the tree through the door the wrong way and it snapped all the limbs upward.

But I guess I can't complain too much. We hardly ever decorate our rightside up tree.

This notice was on our door when we got home tonight:

Dear Residents,
Our community is located next to a natural preserve. There are many different types of wildlife roaming in the hills around our community. Recently, a mountain lion and her baby have been spotted in the back of our community behind building 8 and near the parking area by building 8. We have notified the fishing and game people who will be out on Monday. Please keep an eye on your children and make sure they are not roaming around the back areas alone. Also, for people with pets, just be aware.
- Management

By the way, our apartment is right next to building 8, and when there are no parking spots left at night, we park in building 8's parking area. Oh, and you got the part where it said the mountain-lion catchers won't be out until Monday, right? This should be a fun weekend. :-D

Friday Five and stuff.

1. What are you most self-conscious about?
Getting kinda personal right off the bat, eh? Well, my looks no doubt. But everyone is self-conscious about their looks, or else they're liars. Self-conscious liars.

2. What's your favourite word?
Hmmm. Let's make that my favorite two words. Grizzly bear. Wait, cellar door. No, geezer. Okay, so it's one word.

3. What's your biggest fear?
Well I am afraid of planets. But it's not like Jupiter is going to come after me. I hope not anyway. I don't know if I've ever explained this strange fear, so I'll briefly go into it. When I was a kid, my uncle gave me this book on the solar system. It went into detail about how HUGE Jupiter is, and how you'd die if you went there due to the pull of gravity, plus the toxic gas or whatever. So that freaked me out, because you never know when some space ship will come kidnap you and drop you off on Jupiter to die a horrible death. Also at the end of the book, the sun turns into a red giant and burns up the earth just before swallowing it up. So that gave me the impression that outer space is a terrifying place.

4. What's the weirdest thing ever to happen to you at work/school?
Well, when I was a personal assistant, my boss had me go buy Depends undergarments. Guess that's out of the ordinary.

5. If you were going to have a revolution, what kind of society would you create?
Er, a good one. I have no idea. What kind of question is that, anyway? I don't care about politics.

This is hilarious. A deer broke into a guy's house, and the guy killed it with his bare hands:

"Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it."

I really should have done that when that deer attacked my car. That'd learn him.

Brandon and I changed over to State Farm for car insurance. Yeah, it is cheaper, so it's nice. Brandon had to go down to their office to sign some papers, and when he got there, the agent insisted on introducing him to "the whole gang." So Brandon got to spend some time getting to know our friendly State Farm neighbors.

I thought this was pretty funny. I mean, I know they're trying to cultivate a friendly atmosphere and all, but this relationship is what it is. We need them because it's illegal to drive without insurance, and if we do get in a wreck, we want them to cover us. We pay them money every month that we'll probably never see again. They hope that they never have to hand back over that money. But there's no real friendship. We're not going to hop on down to State Farm to see if "the gang" wants to go out for bagels and talk about liability. We're not going to invite them over to play car safety trivial pursuit. Let's not pretend. Just be pleasant to us, and we won't ask you to act excited when you see us or pretend to be our buddy. Fair enough, no?